you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
