Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize