I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize