Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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