she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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