Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
