I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
