The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
