So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize