just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
