the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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