I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize