I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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