I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
