just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
