I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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