Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
