you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
