Swine flu. Run for my life!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
