My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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