you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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