dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
