i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
