News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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