Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
