He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
