I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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