Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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