if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
