yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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