Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize