i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
