Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
