you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
