Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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