Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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