I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
