Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
