I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
