if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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