i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
