Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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