You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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