He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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