So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
