Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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