did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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