I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
