I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
