Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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