I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
