I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
