fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
