john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
