The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
