wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
