Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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