One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
