If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
