I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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