im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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