I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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