how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize