he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
