you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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