So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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